Recent Posts

Don’t Be Scared?? Living without fear in relationships

(Reprint from:

Dating is hard. There aren’t enough good men/women.

We stay in relationships that we know don’t serve us because “there aren’t enough men” or “I don’t deserve anything better” or the ever popular “it’s hard to date these days”… but is that true? Where did we get our fears? Where did we first learn them?

We’ve had some of our relationship fears since childhood… so long that we’ve lost track of their origins and their owners. The early examples of relationships (or lack thereof) still have influence on us. Many of us can’t go a day without making decisions based on fear. We spend our days (and nights) entertaining our worst fears regarding our children, our income, our health…

How many of us have made (or know someone who’s made) relationship choices based on fear…feeling like we’re losing control in our relationships or coming to the realization that we actually never had control in the first place…

Will I ever have the relationship I want? Will he/she respect me? Can I be myself and be accepted? Is this going to “last”?

Most of the time our fears are about a future that only exists in our minds! The mind is so powerful that we can experience pain, hurt, loneliness and frustration in our bodies BEFORE it’s justified by actual experience… The opposite is also true… we can take our pain, hurt, loneliness and frustration from our past and relive it, fearful that that’s our destiny.

But what is fear?? Fear is just a PERCEIVED threat… and that has a purpose in our lives and relationships if we use it to elevate and enhance our situation. Fear can be transmuted to caution… When you see your perceived threat as a warning or reason for thoughtfulness, you can feel more empowered and think of solutions to your challenges.

So how do you erase all fear??

Start now with accepting that relationships are not about control. Healthy relationships are about balance, harmony and character development.

I remind myself of this truth most often with my children! Sometimes, out of fear they’ll make a mess or fear they’ll get hurt, I have to catch myself and change my focus before talking to them. When I tell my children, “don’t spill your juice!” or “be careful… I don’t want you to get hurt!” while they’re running and playing, what I’m really doing is expressing MY fears. To be more mindful and avoid planting a fear in my daughters, I’ve had to learn to say what I mean… Accepting that I’m an alchemist means I create the space for them to be themselves. I help them be mindful eaters and give them room to make spills. 🙂 I give them room to get dirty and scrape and knee while reassuring them that their bodies are meant to heal and be Divine health.

I’m also so grateful that I can be myself with my husband! During our 14 years together, we’ve co-created the safest space where I accept my personal growth and want to contribute to my husband’s. It wasn’t always like that for me though… I used to feel “afraid” our relationship would end, be difficult or “change”. Now, I welcome change, challenge and growth knowing for certain everything is in Divine order.

In this time, outside of our cultural traditions, we create our own rites of passage to develop and balance our character. We create situations to bring balance to our personality. We draw the relationships that will enhance our growth.

What I know to be true is that I make better choices with purpose instead of through fear… and I think you would too.

When was the last time you went a week without making choices from a place of fear?

Here’s a challenge!!! Go the next seven days without ANY fear-based decisions! Trust your heart! Be the Alchemist in your own life! Claim what you want as if it already is! AND take some immediate action!

Now is the time to address what you need. Start now believing, thinking, doing, and saying whatever you need to in order to cultivate the relationships you want and DESERVE! How are you going to push past the fear? Start today with just a few minutes in meditation. Tuning into the silence will let the resonance of your inner voice emerge loud and clear! In silence you’ll not only find the real “problem” (the source of your fear), but you’ll rediscover the solution. The one you’ve always known, but were afraid you couldn’t execute.

How do you get through fear? Comment below or on…your comment will help someone!

Nya Akoma (Take Heart)